Tape, Aspirin, and Onions: Week 5 Picks

The Ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus wrote: "Sickness is a problem for the body, not the mind — unless the mind decides that it is a problem."

“Bring me three fresh onions and a head of garlic,” Yiayia yelled at Kosta, the manavi (greengrocer).

“Οχι (Ohiii/Noo) not the onions!”

Cousin Miltos’ shrieks turned to a collective gasp.  As he lay there writhing in pain, clutching his hamstring, most knew his fate off the field may be worse than his and his team’s misfortune on it.

You see, Yiayia was the de facto trainer for Panarkadikos FC, and she’d watch every game like a hawk. Coaches and ultras would track time of possession, shots on target, and pass accuracy, but Yiayia would scan the field for uneven gaits, sudden muscle cramps, and, of course, hard slide tackles.

She could read her players instinctively; she’d scan their pupils for abnormal dilation, examine their skin for discoloration, and even ask to check their stool for possible digestive issues. Her science was born of time-tested tinkering and village wisdom.

God forbid any of her players had a few too many tsipouro shots at the bouzouki pre-game. She could sniff that errant behavior better than the best breathalyzers in the Saronic Sea. She had her infamous patsas  (tripe soup seasoned with garlic vinegar) on standby for offenders.  Needless to say, bouzouki sales took a hit on pregame Saturday nights.

Then, in the season’s penultimate game, tied at a goal apiece, as the sands of the hourglass ran out, and facing relegation, the team’s reliable center back, Miltos, knew this was definitely time for potent onions.

Miltos executed the classic soccer stall, lying immobilized on the field with the kind of gut-wrenching wincing that is only justified if your leg is amputated sans anesthesia on the battlefield in Gettysburg.

This was the kind of injury that the magic spray could not heal. Miltos was buying time while Yiayia chopped away. Onions and garlic were diced with a furor that only an overbearing Yiayia prepping a poultice for her little Miltos could render. These ingredients plus a stem of Mountain Tea were baptized in Yianni’s virgin olive oil mixed with tsipouro and pulverized into a salve that would fill the poultice.

When they carried him off on the stretcher, Yiayia had the concoction jammed into a cut-off sock that taped onto his hamstring after she had pelted his thigh with the healing oils. She slapped his thighs like she was tenderizing a leg of lamb for Easter and spat away the evil spirits while clutching her evil eye. It was a bona fide miracle; Miltos was back on the pitch, and the Greens held on to avoid relegation.

Even though he was the star, Miltos got no action that summer. Yiayia enforced the poultice for three weeks and, needless to say, the wretched smell and leaking lather had everyone social distancing. It took him a while to live that down and rid himself of the stench.

Needless to say, Miltos never had another “hamstring” injury, and neither did any of his teammates. The onions were too strong!

Maybe the NFL should bring back the onions. Is this hamstring a new muscle? Saquon Barkley, Devontae Smith, Caleb Williams (yes, we’ve seen the memes), and Stefon Diggs have fallen victim to the dreaded “hammy.” Some teams have overcome the rash of injuries, while others buckled.

The Eagles may end up with six of their Week 1 starters out on offense out this week. The offensive line has been decimated, with just two starters playing Sunday. Their star running back and both starting wide receivers are dealing with hamstring injuries.

The Jacksonville Jaguars will host Gang Green this week in London, though that nickname predates the hamstring epidemic. The Jags have looked great on both sides of the ball this year, and they've been relatively healthy. Through the first month of the season, they had one poor quarter in Denver; the rest of the time they've beaten up on opponents to the tune of 104-39. The Jaguars were favored to win by 3.5, and the line moved to -7.5 favoring Jacksonville. Take the Jags to cover.

We've already had a bunch of backup quarterbacks start for their teams and they've performed quite well this season, going 8-5 through Thursday night's game between Dallas and the Bucs. But we've watched enough of Jameis Winston to know that The Thrill is Gone.

The Commanders are prepping Jayden Daniels to come back this week, backed up by the Greek Rifle, Athan Kaliakmanis. Take Washington -3.5.

What's with all the animal fights on the schedule this year? Last weekend saw two cat fights, and on Sunday night the ornithophiles will have to choose sides in a battle of the birds. Without two-time MVP Lamar Jackson, the betting public has caused the line to move from -3.5 to +3.5. Take the Ravens as the underdogs against a streaking Atlanta playing on short rest and recency bias.

Be sure Mike Ditka is chuckling at the absence of onions in the modern League and blowing stogie smoke through the holes in those stupid cheeseheads at Lambeau while he is honored, as the Bears (-1) roll the Pack. The Greek Uncles in Chicago call on those with onions to bet on Da Bears at an alternate line of -6.5 at +250 in honor of da coach.

The man once played through a dislocated ankle. Hamstring pulls are for losers.

Last Week: 2-1

Season: 6-6