Just Deserts:Week 9 Picks

The Ancient Greek philosopher Herodes Atticus said: "I see a beard and a cloak; the philosopher I do not yet see."

The Gruncle curse struck again on Halloween, as we predicted the beginning of Cleveland's collapse due to the bad Deshaun Watson karma. They lost, and Watson will miss the game this week. The Vikings also went down to the Lions, and their quarterback is out this week. We even cursed ourselves by going 0-3 with our picks.

We do know a good ‘stache when we see one, though. It’s in our blood. Achelous, the revered primitive, shape-shifting river god, the eldest of 3000 river sons born to Oceanus and Tethys, grandson of the primordials Gaia and Uranus as well as father to the sirens, is himself the virtuoso godfather of the standout lip rug.

In fact, he is depicted as having a triple-layered mustache on two ancient cauldrons. Most of you have heard of shingled roofs, but the shingled lip hair flair is a thing of unique beauty and unbridled expression. 

As the namesake of Greece’s oldest and largest river, Achelous’ mustache was a personification of the changing, wild, and primordial nature of water. Hair or cascading currents, they both abut conventional boundaries and defy conformity.

Achelous's battle with Heracles over Deianira, the beautiful princess of Caledonia, was one pitting the wild, erratic, and unpredictable ferocity of nature against human engineering. Primal Achelous was first a human-bull, then a serpent, and then the ferocious bull that eventually lost his horn and his girl.

Are what the Seahawks defense and the 12s have engineered too much for the shapeshifting, handlebar-toting, primal comeback conjurer of modern football lore? Like a wild and unexpected deluge, Gardner Minshew breached on stage for last week’s tragedy with a command for time and place that took the horseshoe on his face and shoved it up Jerry Jones and his Cowboys’ ass!

Minshew has a knack for doing that kind of thing. See: Raiders vs Ravens, Sept 15th, 2024, trailing by 10 in 4th quarter, Colts vs Ravens Sept 24th, 2023, victory on the 4th possession in overtime, and Jaguars vs Broncos, Sept 29th, 2019, when the Broncos trailed 17-3 in the second half.

Can Minshew eschew conventional wisdom and once again channel Conrad Dobler, Ben Davidson, Bubba Smith, Ditka, Todd Christensen and the fabled muzzle brotherhood? Can he entreat the wild, unfettered, and ferocious power of the Ancient Greek river and the god who bears its name?

Like there was for Achelous, is there a Delta of fertility, prosperity, and abundance for the Cardinals at the end of his mouthbrow?

For Achelous, it did not end well. Heracles disfigured the savage river god, ripping off his horn and his girl. Despite Minshew’s attempts at shapeshifting and improvisation at 8.5 points the Seahawks will easily tame the erratic rivers of his lip locks and the Cardinals, making them question their quick trigger with Jacoby Brissett.

The Saints' left tackle Kelvin Banks Jr. is finally healthy enough to play against the cursed Browns. He will provide some help in the running game but, more importantly, protect his quarterback from all the pressure he's been facing and get the offense back on track. The Saints defense will have a field day rushing Shedeur Sanders. Take New Orleans (-3).

Finally, we are riding the Packers (+3.5) at the Patriots. Green Bay has played well since working out their offensive and defensive line problems and are pretty evenly matched with the Pats.

Last Week: 0-3

Season: 10-13-1