Damned If You Do: Week Eight Picks

The Ancient Greek philosopher Sophocles wrote, "Nothing vast enters the life of mortals without a curse."

Some exiled Athenians are cursed: Whatever they fix their gaze on turns to stone.

Such was the fate of Medusa. A mere mortal, she was ravaged by Poseidon in Athena’s temple, and rather than punish Poseidon for desecrating her holy sanctuary, Athena turned Medusa’s golden hair to serpents, cursing her to petrify anything she glanced at and to suffer perpetually in exile! 

No, we weren’t ravaged by Poseidon, but considering our sparse and wispy follicles at this point, we’d take the serpent hair.  As native Athenians, your Gruncles' exile to this vast land of oversized baconaters, beef sandwiches and big-assed blockers has not come without its curses. 

Of course, heed champion Perseus' wisdom and read our prognostications with a grain of salt or from the reflection of a bronze shield!

The Greek Uncles in Chicago have cursed just about everyone we've written about these last couple of seasons. As soon as we called Brock Purdy the MVP and the Niners the best team in the league last week, they lost to the Falcons, and Purdy had a bad game. Two weeks ago, we wrote that Washington has learned its lesson about situational football, and then Jayden Daniels throws a ball away on 4th-and 2! In Week 4, we wrote a nice little story about the then-undefeated Raiders as they prepared for the Chiefs, and they haven't won since.

Last year we did pieces on Baker Mayfield, Daniel Jones, Josh Allen, and Matt Stafford. Jones tore his Achilles. Baker and his weapons got injured and couldn't win games; Allen lost in the playoffs again; and Stafford won MVP, but his special teams cost him a chance at the Super Bowl!

Way back in 2023, we cursed Justin Herbert when we predicted he would get injured and cost the coach and Chargers front office their jobs and lo it came to pass that coach Brandon Staley and General Manager Tom Telesco were fired midseason.

So, who will the Evil Eye er, Gruncles gaze jinx now? 

The Browns' over/under for wins this season was 5.5, largely because of their unsettled quarterback situation. Deshaun Watson "won" the job out of training camp; fan morale was low. Watson's cap-busting contract has been a disaster. He came to the team under a dark cloud for his abhorrent off-field behavior, hardly played because of injuries, and when he did play, he stunk.

After getting trounced by the Jaguars in Week 1, pundits thought the Browns would start him for the next game, lose, watch him get booed at the first home game, and then bench him. Instead, the team went 5-1, largely thanks to the defense.

Watson has contributed by leading game-winning drives in each of their victories. They are playing in Pittsburgh this weekend (5-2) in a rivalry that dates back to October 8, 1950. The winner will take the lead in the AFC North. The loser will get roasted on TikTok.

Pittsburgh is favored by -3.5; home field advantage is meaningful here as the Browns haven't beaten the Steelers in Pittsburgh for 22 years in regular season games. The last time that the Browns swept the Steelers, Michael Dukakis, a first-generation Greek-American, was a viable candidate for the presidency. That is until he was flambéed for a tank-riding PR stunt! Stunts like this wouldn't even make headlines today, unless the candidate fell out of the tank, or fired the artillery by mistake. Talk about cursed!

The stat nerds think Pittsburgh has a significant advantage over the Browns but we're not so sure it's enough to overcome the number so take Cleveland and the points. The Watson karma still lingers in our minds and could be stricken by lighting from Mount Olympus at any moment.

A closer look at his performance reveals that Watson still is one of the worst quarterbacks in the league, despite the wins. Maybe the football gods feel like he's paid his penance, but the Gruncles don't. The schedule doesn't look that tough, but even Cleveland's ownership thought the Watson contract was a "swing and a miss." Look for the magic to turn back into a curse until they rid themselves of the Watson misfortune. Steelers win. Bownies cover.

The undefeated Vikings are +3.5 against the Lions in Detroit. The Minnesota offense has stunk it up since Week 1, when their backup QB poured it on the Packers, scoring 39 points. The Lions defense is starting to get healthy, but Detroit was unable to unlock Minnesota's defense last year. The Vikings' defensive coordinator is a magician, having turned a bunch of no-name players into an unstoppable blitzing dynamo. We also think at some point the Vikings offense will wake up, and this wee game is as good a chance as any.

Our contrarian take is to back the Jets (-1) over the Raiders. The public is backing Vegas, but they haven't been able to run the ball effectively this season. It put too much pressure on quarterback Kirk Cousins and the defense. Cousins has been good, but he can't carry a team, and in the past month he's been padding his stats in garbage time.

While the Jets have to overcome dumb coaching, their offensive line has done enough to keep Geno Smith upright and dealing. New York's young tackles are maturing, and as they gel, the offense will get more efficient in the red zone. Call it Geno's revenge,

Hey, it wouldn't be a curse column without mentioning a franchise whose quarterback famously "saw ghosts," and now haunts them as a Super Bowl-winner playing on the other coast.

Last Week: 1-2

Season: 10-10-1