Double Cheek Push: Week 12 Picks

The relatively modern German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer observed that boredom is one of two enemies of human happiness.

But maybe Schopenhauer was wrong. Maybe boring consistency, maybe shameless monotony, maybe doing what you know to be true, and right is fun if it makes you a winner.

It was just another Tuesday when it happened. The whole town heard the primal shriek uncle Jimmy let out when his plow hit paydirt. Those siestas he skipped, the mezes he had missed and kafeneio coffees he had cut out were all worth it now.

The moment was one of both relief and redemption for all of the grief and scorn he had been subjected to. Even in Argolis, it was not popular to pore over ancient manuscripts, buy up neighboring fields and labor tirelessly in search of antiquity that his neighbors were certain he would never find. 

His stubborn old ass who would pull the plow, was named Pegasus, ironically. Too often he would stop, hitting a tree root, stubbing his hoof on the rocky terrain, or simply refuse to be an accomplice to Jimmy’s pipe dream. That’s when Jimmy, (a tank of a man with calves that could have been Porsche pistons), would anchor himself squarely behind his reluctant ass and push it onwards, refusing to relent.

When some of the townspeople witnessed this move, predictably, they mocked him more. It was one thing to push an ass for wheat fields, grape vines and even olive orchards, but all this was for the sake of a mythical statue of Agamemnon that only Jimmy was convinced was there.

He had the last laugh ultimately on a hot Tuesday morning in ‘84; pushing Pegasus against what he thought to be a tree root, when the statue was dislodged. Making Jimmy a national hero in his own right—like the Mycenaean legend he had unearthed.

There is no more boring play in football right now then the tush push. The Eagles have typically run it on short yardage plays, sometimes back-to-back. Against the Giants last month, they ran the play 4 times in a row. In the NFC Championship game last season, they lined up in the formation 5 times in a row because Washington kept jumping offsides.

The play has become a lightning rod of controversy. It kills any momentum the game has, but the Eagles are so effective when they use it: they extend drives, control time of possession and give viewers an opportunity for a bathroom break. Boooring!

This helps their defense, which is already one of the most stifling in the league. They are able to stay fresh, apply a lot of pressure, without having to blitz and are fundamentally sound. Boooring!

It's so boring, in fact, that people seem to have forgotten they are the reigning champs.  The Greek Uncles in Chicago say it's time for the Eagles to open up the playbook and call some pass plays on third and short. There are a lot of yards being left on the field when they run the tush push instead of a pass play to any one of their offensive weapons. Plus, the league will ban the play this offseason after the issues they've had with officials missing the Eagles jumping offsides, or whistling the play dead when Hurts fumbled.

Analysts talked about a down year for the Eagles, particularly when they lost consecutive games to the Broncos and Giants. This season they seem to play down to their opponents but the reality is that the game plan by its nature keeps games closer, even though they often dominate the other team.

There have been some questionable coaching decisions that contributed as well, like last week's decision to go for it on fourth-and-one from their own 29; gifting the ball to the Lions in excellent field position. Detroit scored a field goal making the difference a touchdown. The week before in the fourth quarter leading by the score 10-7, Siriani decided to go for it on fourth-and-6 on the Packers 35. They failed to convert and gave the ball to Green Bay with 33 seconds left; enough time to move the ball and attempt a long field goal to tie in regulation.

Despite these missteps they are still the feta’s curd of the league. At some point, the Eagles will have to show that they can be explosive. But how easy is it to turn that on at a moment's notice? The tush push is consistent and a proven winner and, like Jimmy’s statue of Agamemnon, they have a Lombardi to show for it.

Defensive coordinator Vic Fangio, the Pythagorus of X's and O's, once again has elevated his unit, and while they may not be earning style points with flashy 3 score wins, they are winning and will keep it up this week against all the manufactured luster of “America’s Team.”

Take the Eagles (-3) in Dallas with the Cowboys on short rest. If Aaron Rodgers plays on Sunday, take the Steelers to beat the Bears (+130), whose turnover hocus pocus has to run out at some point.

We’ve slept on the Jags long enough. Take them to cover (-2.5) over the Cardinals.  Take the Lions (-13) at home to rebound from last week and put it to the Dartless Giants.  Also, we pinned the Rams to keep rolling and cover (-7) against the Bucs.

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